Is it time we as a society stopped rewarding aggression as much, and started giving out more “medals” for acts of compassion? (English)

A case for why periods of lower testosterone can be a good emotional learning experience.

“The problem isn’t testosterone and aggression; it’s how often we reward aggression. And we do: We give medals to masters of the “right” kinds of aggression. We preferentially mate with them. We select them as our leaders.” - Dr. Robert Sapolsky - Stanford University.

There was an unexpected change in how my brain and body worked, which was the biggest surprise to me when I became a father for the first time exactly 20 months ago. The unexpected change that took place was a drop in my testosterone by anywhere from 26% (Science) to 50% (Dr. Huberman at Stanford cited this number on a podcast), and an increase in the hormone prolactin. Well, the hormone change wasn’t the unexpected part, but the impact it had on how I felt mentally and physically was surprising. I was aware of the concept “dad bod” and how also men add weight during this time in their life, because "the drop in testosterone seems to be a biological adjustment that helps men shift their priorities when children come along” (Dr. Kuzawa at Northwestern University). However, what really took me by surprise, was the mental effect this testosterone drop would have on my compassion and care for other people. It made me more caring and happier than I had ever been before.

I went from being a man who all his life has viewed competition and aggression through sports and work performance as a central part of the way I lived my life and my personality, to a guy who all of a sudden felt much more mellow, compassionate and caring than ever before. It was as if someone removed my competitive edge and aggression that I’ve always had, and opened up a totally new way of seeing the world.

At first I was terrified, because I felt that my lack of aggression, competitiveness and sex drive was taken away from me. I was afraid of becoming flat and having low energy. However, what happened, which was a huge surprise to me, was how this opened up other parts of my biology to flourish. I have never in my life been so equanimous, compassionate and full of love for my family and the world in general. It was truly eye-opening to see the impact hormones have on us, but also that it’s possible to value other things than aggression and competitiveness, and have a flourishing life in that way as well. 

Yes, my workout performance did drop significantly, but my overall level of happiness and success in life (measured in job performance) went up. I credit that to the fact that I became a much nicer person, who was warmer, listened better and viewed the world through compassionate rather than competitive eyes.

I am not saying that this is right for everybody and that you should go out and deliberately reduce your testosterone (it might not have the same effect on you, based on your biology). However, I believe that I have found one way that I believe my personal experience can be applicable to society at large:

1. According to Stanford University professor Dr. Robert Sapolsky who has done a lot of research on testosterone: “testosterone isn’t causing aggression, it’s exaggerating the aggression that’s already there.”  That means that I and others should probably practice more compassion through disciplines such as mindfulness meditation. I have done this for a while, but this experience highlighted to me that I have a lot of work left to do. That way testosterone will highlight more compassion rather than aggression.

   
   A good example of what that could do for the world in the words of Dr. Sapolsky, is that “it’s probably even the case that if you stoked up some Buddhist monks with tons of testosterone, they’d become wildly competitive as to who can do the most acts of random kindness.” I think the world could definitely benefit from more people like this.
   

2. Sapolsky then goes on to say that “the problem isn’t testosterone and aggression; it’s how often we reward aggression. And we do: We give medals to masters of the “right” kinds of aggression. We preferentially mate with them. We select them as our leaders.”
   Based on the research and ideas of Dr. Sapolsky I then ask myself what would happen if we stopped rewarding aggression in forms of violence, dominance and power to the degree that we do today, and rather started handing out more “medals” for those acting with compassion, love and kindness towards themselves and others? If testosterone promotes behavior that increases social status, then we might want to reconsider what we value as the behavior we want in society. 

Compassion is also linked to a host of health benefits, including: increased happiness and more care of others/willingness to help (Dr. Richard Davidson, University of Wisconsin)

My experience of becoming a father gave me a large window of about 20 months where I have been as involved as I can be in raising my daughter, while also having deliberately reduced testosterone spiking activities such as heavy weight training to an almost non existent level during that period. I obviously lost muscle mass and strength during that time, but I gained valuable insight into how I can see the world differently and value different things such as love and compassion. It taught me that a greater driver for my happiness is love and compassion, and not as much aggression, competition and strength as I have always thought throughout my athletic life, up until this point.

I have recently started lifting heavy weights again and immediately felt a difference in my level of aggression, sex drive and competitiveness. However, having seen that there is a huge side of me that is also compassionate and caring, and how happy I was being that person, I am going to continue the journey of self discovery to see if I can find the same happiness, love and kindness while having a more normal level of testosterone. The key for me will be practicing mindfulness meditation, mindfulness of compassion and gratitude, with the knowledge that I’ve gained from my experience as a father.

I hope this makes you think about what we value in society, and see that in the search for happiness and good mental health for yourself and the world at large, there might be time to give compassion, care and love more space and recognition than we have done up until this point in history.